God, give me the courage...

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can."

Courage is one of those virtues that everyone lists... and it's many times number 1. If you think about it, all the other virtues (kindness, honesty, generosity, humility, tolerance, forgiveness etc) require courage to be put into practice.

How can I change myself?
God says, "You are yourself, you can no more change yourself than you can walk away from your own feet."

So it's a lost cause? There's nothing I can do?
God says, " You can understand and accept this truth."

But how will I change if I accept myself?
and God replies, "How will you change if you don't?"

"Healing and beauty can come from the most destructive forces our world has ever faced."

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it'."

"The Spirit of the LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach the good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from the darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair."
Isaiah 61:1-3

WOW!
That really fires me up. Every time I read those verses I hear God speaking a calling over my life.
I know what he is calling me to.
At the same time, I have no idea what that will look like, but I know that whatever it is, it is good. Those ancient words resonate deep within my soul in a way that is utterly unexplainable.
All I know is that a calling doesn't happen over night. I must walk that path today, and tomorrow, and every day that follows.

Sobriety

I have been reading "Broken" - a novel about the life of a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. It's very interesting and is really helping me understand more what the women I work with at Serenity Shelter are going through. So, on that note, I love anything that has to do with sobriety and hope.. for example... the following quote...

"I would fain keep sober always... I believe that water is the only drink for a wise man; wine is not so noble a liquor... Of all ebriosity, who does not prefer to be intoxicated by the air he breathes?" - Henry David Thoreau

The current wrestling match

I have been thinking a lot for the past two days about vision.
About calling.
About the Will of God.

I have noticed that I seem to get highly frustrated with the people in my life who are Christians and don't seem to be walking down the road into the destiny that God wants for them.
On one hand, who am I to know what God has called them to?
On the other hand, what kind of friend am I if I kick back and keep my mouth shut.
I have a really hard time with the concept of judgement. In the Bible it talks about not judging non-Christians because they are not held to the same values as Christians are. I feel like I have no problem accepting the people who don't claim Jesus as a way of life.

Our world is screaming 'DON'T judge me'! and for the world as a secular entity, I feel like I do a good job of not judging those that don't claim grace. If you don't claim to follow Christ then I understand why your life may look very different than mine... you would have no reason to follow a bunch of "rules" that you don't even believe in.

However, Jesus calls us to hold our brothers and sisters accountable. A friend pointed out today that accountability is a form of judgement that is righteous- God wants us to do that as long as we first hold our selves to the same measure and as long as our motives are rooted in love.
Let me just tell you... I am not a fan of confrontation. I don't like stepping on toes. I don't like hurting feelings. I am a people pleaser to the MAX.
But God tells us to call each other out in love.
I have a lot to learn about how to lovingly call out.
My past (for all of my long lasting friends who have seen my tainted humanity take over) reflects many good motives, a few not so good motives, and generally- terrible attempts to lovingly call people out.
I am still learning.. and will be for the rest of my life.
But here is the thing.... for so long I told myself, "Caroline, don't judge, don't judge" and it became a very bad thought process.
I saw myself turn into a passive and overly accepting person. I was tolerating things that were clearly not what God had in mind.
I'm still wrestling with the fact that I feel God pulling my heart strings telling me to be bold in love and out of love to call things out.

I know for the most part my motives are in line. I have been given a heart that mourns for other people. I have taken it as a burden for so long and I am realizing that God wants to use it for good. I look at some of the people I know and see gifts that I envy, potential that I crave to see used for the Kingdom, etc... and when it goes unused, I mourn, I GRIEVE! It would probably destroy me if I let it. I don't want to carry around all this baggage and stress myself out over what people are or aren't doing because it really is not up to me to fix anything or anyone. It just gets ever so complicated when I feel God pushing me to encourage people.

And that is the thing... encouragement is actually a form of loving accountability.
I want to speak life into people. I want to utter words of the Spirit that urge people to turn around and run hard and fast after the things God has placed in front of them.
I'm studying to be a social worker for crying out loud... I am wired in a way that makes me want to empower people.

Anyway,
that is what I am wrestling with at the moment.. encouragement that breeds change for the better. I want to see my Christian friends walk into everything that God has for them... it literally makes me sick to watch people walk around blind to half of their potential.
I feel like I sound bitter and that really isn't the case at all.. It's just a hard concept to grasp... loving people enough to say things that might hurt.

good moods make me incurably appreciative of the little things

This is a sad little cupcake... dropping a cup cake has got to be incredibly depressing.
Today... I indulged. And I didn't drop my cupcake :)
Thank you God for cupcakes and sprinkles and the ability to eat a cupcake without dropping it.

Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.

Someone once told me never to dilute myself... never to hide a single part of who I am.
I feel like that is so much easier said than done.

I don't want to be a diluted, watered down version of myself at all.. unfortunately I am pretty good at hiding behind a comfortable version of myself when I am around people I don't know well.

I was talking with the same friend a few days ago about how important it is that the person you marry naturally just fuels you to be more freely yourself and vice versa.
I hope I am the type of girl that makes people feel completely comfortable in their own skin.
On the same note- I definitely do not mean that you should depend on the person you marry to make you comfortable with yourself.. I don't think it would be healthy to even consider marriage if you weren't at peace with who you are on your own.

When...

"when that man comes along
& tells you that you are like poetry
that in your eyes are all the things he ever imagined
ever wanted
ever needed
never/never mind what you're gonna wear
just dance with him into forever"
[e.miller]

my new favorite instrument is the triangle

I just have so much to say tonight...
Ready??
set....
GO

SO....
I went to the Vetiver concert tonight. EXCELLENT!
They are one of those groups that really embodies what live music should be like. The kind of folks who could easily sing you to sleep (and I mean that in a good way) but the type that would totally wake you up the moment they stopped playing. Make sense?
Anyway, I love them 1. because their vocals are good enough to listen to without music, 2. Their music is good enough to listen to without the vocals... therefore the combination of the two is just blissful.
I really really love guy/girl harmony... there is something so lovable about it.. when I was in a performance group in high school, it was always hard not to fall in love (okay not literally)with whoever the guy was that I happened to be singing with. There's something just great about two voices combined well.
Anywho,
on to my next point.
[again I apologize for the structure of this entry, I have lots on the brain and no patience to write well]

I walked out of the square room and ran smack into my long lost friend Vernon. I honestly don't think I have been that excited to see anyone.. maybe ever.
(He is one of my homeless friends) But I hadn't seen him since before I had left for Christmas break and I had been asking people if they had seen him and no one had and I was just so worried about him and there was nothing I could do and no way to find him. Anyway, after I hugged him about 20 million times I asked him how he had been and we talked for a little bit and then I had to go but GOSH that really really was the cherry to my -sundae of a night.

Last thing.
here's a funny.. but oh so typical Caroline story
So I was at Nama a few nights ago with a friend and was reaching for my chopsticks.. and only looking at them out of the corner of my eye.. and ended up grabbing a handful of soy sauce... apparently I over compensated the distance to my sticks.. anyway, I lifted my hand out of the saucer and stared at my dripping fingers... shook my head.. mmm just another day in the neighborhood.

k its past my bed time.