The “I would like’s”

I would like to blow dry my hair with colored air...
see life through the lens of an awesome camera...

and cook with a little bit of kindness.

Blog Names Change with the Times

One of my friends asked me a few days ago why I periodically changed the name of my blog. This post is a result of that conversation.

Name changes are never planned for me. It's always a spontaneous thing that happens and then I realize the significance after the fact.

When I first began giving blogging a shot I created "The Fishbowl" (see picture below)

The fishbowl was titled so in that I felt a bit like a blog put me in a fishbowl of sorts- the world could get a nice look at me from any angle. You get the concept. Kind of like a display case. - which now makes me kind of nauseous.

About a year into the blog I grew up a little bit if you will and realized that the point of my blog was no longer to display my thoughts for the world to see but rather to tear down the image I had created for the world to see and reveal the nitty gritty dirt that was a part of my life. I wanted to focus more on what I was learning, what was painful, the challenges, the lessons etc and less on the appearance I was trying to give off. Thus, the blog name changed to "The Crumbling Facade" (see picture below)

And now the reason for the name change is not so much that my aim has changed but just that change itself is happening. I renamed it Technicolor Dreams and The Stages of Sleep because (get ready for me to get all deep and silly on you) I feel like life in general (specifically the spiritual journey) is very much like the stages of sleep. We are in this process of learning to know the Lord and who he has created us to be. The idea of the name is just to promote progression in that journey- you dream in the final stage of sleep (REM). That is where I want to be. I want to discover what dreaming in color is like in Life with the Lord.

Yay for new names!

thingsthingsthingsthingsthings

I have always had this love hate relationship with money. (Don't we all?) In the past few weeks I have been learning a lot about the difference between being able to afford something and the need for something. In general I feel like I do a pretty good job with budgeting and not spending much but I have started to notice more and more my attachment to things...regardless of their worth- in that most of the things I am attached to are thrift store finds or homemade gifts. It's interesting how things hold power over people.

A wise older woman that I know once told me about a lesson she learned where she felt that the Lord was asking her to give her things away to her friends. For instance, when anyone complimented things in her house, things she wore etc she would give the complimented item to the person that paid her the compliment. She said it was very freeing, hard, but a good look into idolatry and insight into her attachment to things. I tried to imagine what it would look like for me to do that and I automatically started praying, "Lord, please let no one like anything that I own" hah. On the other side of things, I'm trying to find the balance between enjoying the beauty of things- the Lord gave me great taste(in my opinion :p ) and being idolatrous. It's not really the money value of things, it's the thing itself that poses the problem. So I'm in this place, trying to discover healthy giving and healthy buying, healthy sharing, and healthy sacrifice.

The Question of Where...

It's a weird, weird thing when you realize that for the first time in your life you can go anywhere in the world.

I'm through with school.

I don't have a job lined up.

I have no obligations.

The size of this realization is so enormous that I don't even know what I want... and more importantly what I need.

Up until this realization I had assumed I would stay in Knoxville. I love Knoxville. Funny how you plan things just because they make sense and then you realize that you haven't even prayed about it.

The predicament isn't what to do... it's more of a where do I do it? I feel like it's such a huge question that I don't even begin to have an idea of how to pray into it.

I tend to stress out and worry about if I'm making the right decisions but lately I have come to see that the Lord does not put that on me...he gives me desires, he guides me, he allows me to make decisions...and if they are wrong he lets me know.

The fear of messing up or choosing wrong has kept me from many adventures and I don't want to look back at this moment and think..."I wonder what would have happened if..."

Give it a week...someone is bound to get hurt

I have been thinking a lot today about church. The church is supposed to be the temple of the Lord-a place that ignites community, vulnerability, honesty- reality. Church should be the most raw places of places. ANd often it is. Many times the rawness isn't pretty at all. People get hurt, angry, pissed, bitter, frustrated AND Lord willing, people also get redeemed, loved well, restored, encouraged, and fed. But we are humans. And the church is made up of humans. And humans fail. A LOT.

It makes me incredibly sad when people that I know and love get hurt by the church. The hardest part is that when you join a church you become a part of it. If you leave it, you often leave broken. I know the Lord is faithful but it is so hard to know that there are times that I have hurt people and put the Lords name on it. The Lord does not speak truth harshly, he does not condemn, he does not shame, he does not guilt trip. I have spoken truth all too harshly, I have condemned, I have shamed, and I have guilt tripped people. .. And in the name of the Lord. God forgive me for writing your name on things that have nothing to do with you.

I believe in a God that can redeem even the worst screw ups. I fully believe that God can handle all of the mistakes I have made. I trust that peoples hearts will not be crushed because I didn't handle myself in the best way. I have faith that those that have felt attacked or betrayed by their family-their church can and will be redeemed. I'm claiming it. Amen.

I like to think of myself as a wild flower...

(photo cred. to some cool blog that I can't remember the name of)

I'm graduating in a few weeks. This season has been filled with a whole lot of fun...not a whole lot of time for reflection. But regardless....

I'm learning a lot about myself...about my flaws...I'm kind of like my front yard-which is full of broken glass (the previous renters apparently loved breaking beer bottles all over the yard). I spend hours picking it all up and then it rains....and a whole new set of broken glass surfaces. I'm finding that I am much like the yard...I put lots of effort into cleaning myself up, working through my baggage and just as soon as I think I'm making progress the rain comes and up comes a whole new list of areas that need work. Thank you God for being patient :)

May 14th is in 23 days. I have no idea what I'm doing.

But what I do know is that there are leaves growing on the trees.

AND

I am successfully keeping three flower boxes of marigolds alive...so surely I can hold down a job right?

There isn't much measure to my madness....I'm just learning to live.

Everyday brings new adventures, new frustrations, new mistakes, new amends.

Did I mention that I love people. Sometimes I feel like the Lord gives me a sneak view of how he see's people. I have this uncanny love for strangers and skitzo's, my neighborhood, my city, and crack heads. Trust me...it's totally unnatural. Not me at all....it's the Lord.

I don't know what my "job" will end up being. I am in the process of applying for 3. But I know that my purpose is to love well- whether that means loving the earth, loving my neighbors, my housemates, my family, my friends, my co-workers, the homeless, the downtrodden, the business owners etc.

When did we forget the power of the Word?

I'm reading a book by Brennan Manning right now and the last chapter I read really got me thinking.

It got me thinking about how we live in this world where our churches think it's our job to sell Jesus to the general population...we offer "live music" instead of real worship, we build massive buildings with bookstores and indoor playgrounds, the latest technology dripping from the ceilings, we spend our money on the appeal of the sanctuary, we have the cutting edge graphics, the "NOW" look.....but where is our Jesus?

Jesus never dressed the part of a revolucionary. He didn't appeal to the masses. He wasn't brushing the truth under the rug to avoid stepping on toes. He loved everyone...but he remained true to himself and true to his Father.

The chapter in the book talks about the sad reality of the fact that they church has lost faith in the power of the word. When I think about it... I realize that of all of the churches I have visited at one point in time, very few of them preach the actual word. Very few of them rely on the power of the living word. When did we begin believing that sugar coating things would bring people to Christ? When did we begin writing our own perfectly packaged devotionals and thoughts for the day instead of reading the word of the Lord that is alive, living, and eternal. The Bible doesn't get out dated....it doesn't lose it's power in today's culture. If we have no faith in it then how can we expect it to move people? We are so afraid of saying it how it is because we don't want to offend anyone. Let's be honest, the Bible isn't a pretty little story about how were all going to be happy on this earth forever...it's full of pain, sorrow, and conviction...BUT it is also full of grace, mercy, and redemption. It has become so easy to mention the good things and overlook the seriousness of the God we serve. He calls us to the narrow road, the long way around, and he never promises it will be easy- he does promise that all of our mistakes will be covered by the blood.

My two favorite quotes from the chapter are,

"Preaching Christ crucified without any histrionics or theatrics calls the Spirit to life. "

"For Christ's sake, don't come to the cross if you're playing a game. Come back tomorrow, or next year, or twenty years from now, but don't make a mockery of the greatest Lover the world has ever known. We've got too many phonies and fakers in the church already honoring Jesus with their lips and denying Him by their lifestyle."

Do not forget these things!

I heard this quote from Bobby Kennedy tonight and it's one of the most life giving and motivating things I have ever heard. (I know it's long, but it's totally worth reading if you haven't heard it before.)

"It is not the concern of any one race. The victims of the violence are black and white, rich and poor, young and old, famous and unknown. They are, most important of all, human beings whom other human beings loved and needed. No one - no matter where he lives or what he does - can be certain who will suffer from some senseless act of bloodshed. And yet it goes on and on and on in this country of ours. Why? What has violence ever accomplished? What has it ever created? No martyr's cause has ever been stilled by an assassin's bullet. No wrongs have ever been righted by riots and civil disorders. A sniper is only a coward, not a hero; and an uncontrolled, uncontrollable mob is only the voice of madness, not the voice of reason. Whenever any American's life is taken by another American unnecessarily - whether it is done in the name of the law or in the defiance of the law, by one man or a gang, in cold blood or in passion, in an attack of violence or in response to violence - whenever we tear at the fabric of the life which another man has painfully and clumsily woven for himself and his children, the whole nation is degraded. "Among free men," said Abraham Lincoln, "there can be no successful appeal from the ballot to the bullet; and those who take such appeal are sure to lose their cause and pay the costs." Yet we seemingly tolerate a rising level of violence that ignores our common humanity and our claims to civilization alike. We calmly accept newspaper reports of civilian slaughter in far-off lands. We glorify killing on movie and television screens and call it entertainment. We make it easy for men of all shades of sanity to acquire whatever weapons and ammunition they desire. Too often we honor swagger and bluster and wielders of force; too often we excuse those who are willing to build their own lives on the shattered dreams of others. Some Americans who preach non-violence abroad fail to practice it here at home. Some who accuse others of inciting riots have by their own conduct invited them. Some look for scapegoats, others look for conspiracies, but this much is clear: violence breeds violence, repression brings retaliation, and only a cleansing of our whole society can remove this sickness from our soul. For there is another kind of violence, slower but just as deadly destructive as the shot or the bomb in the night. This is the violence of institutions; indifference and inaction and slow decay. This is the violence that afflicts the poor, that poisons relations between men because their skin has different colors. This is the slow destruction of a child by hunger, and schools without books and homes without heat in the winter. This is the breaking of a man's spirit by denying him the chance to stand as a father and as a man among other men. And this too afflicts us all. I have not come here to propose a set of specific remedies nor is there a single set. For a broad and adequate outline we know what must be done. When you teach a man to hate and fear his brother, when you teach that he is a lesser man because of his color or his beliefs or the policies he pursues, when you teach that those who differ from you threaten your freedom or your job or your family, then you also learn to confront others not as fellow citizens but as enemies, to be met not with cooperation but with conquest; to be subjugated and mastered. We learn, at the last, to look at our brothers as aliens, men with whom we share a city, but not a community; men bound to us in common dwelling, but not in common effort. We learn to share only a common fear, only a common desire to retreat from each other, only a common impulse to meet disagreement with force. For all this, there are no final answers. Yet we know what we must do. It is to achieve true justice among our fellow citizens. The question is not what programs we should seek to enact. The question is whether we can find in our own midst and in our own hearts that leadership of humane purpose that will recognize the terrible truths of our existence. We must admit the vanity of our false distinctions among men and learn to find our own advancement in the search for the advancement of others. We must admit in ourselves that our own children's future cannot be built on the misfortunes of others. We must recognize that this short life can neither be ennobled or enriched by hatred or revenge. Our lives on this planet are too short and the work to be done too great to let this spirit flourish any longer in our land. Of course we cannot vanquish it with a program, nor with a resolution. But we can perhaps remember, if only for a time, that those who live with us are our brothers, that they share with us the same short moment of life; that they seek, as do we, nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and in happiness, winning what satisfaction and fulfillment they can. Surely, this bond of common faith, this bond of common goal, can begin to teach us something. Surely, we can learn, at least, to look at those around us as fellow men, and surely we can begin to work a little harder to bind up the wounds among us and to become in our own hearts brothers and countrymen once again."