All in due time.

The past few months have in a nutshell been some of the hardest. I have dreamt big dreams, almost given up, been frustrated beyond belief, been unrelentlessly aware of my sin and depravity, and known the grace of God. Yesterday things finally came together and I was given the opportunity to do what I love with two organizations that I consider family. One is a Housing First Non Profit where I did my senior internship and research project and the other is my church. Beyond being ecstatic about the fact that my "almost" job is my passion, I have come to appreciate the process of this whole gig. If nothing else, this waiting period has shown me that this idea is the Lords and not my own and that dreams from the Lord are not swayed by time, rejection, or discouragement. On the nights when all I wanted to do was go find a normal job, I would go to sleep so spent and emotionally drained only to wake up with the overwhelming notion that I just couldn't let it go.

This week I have seen more than ever before that it is a privileged to love the homeless, not some quality of my own character. I do not see the homeless with my own eyes, but through the Lords- and today more than ever I realize that I am unworthy to serve even the "least of these".
It can be incredibly hard not to pat myself on the back for doing "social-worky" types of things...I mean when people are constantly telling me I'm such a good person and that I have such a good heart I start to give myself all kinds of undue credit.
The second I start to believe all the "do gooder" compliments I am ruined. (Friends-please take me off my high horse when I start to mount up again)

For those of you who have lived life with me these past few months, who have seen me at my best and often worst, who have seen me try to keep things together when I am falling apart, who have challenged me to be real and honest and to fight for what the Lord has instilled in me- Thank you. I appreciate your bearing with me through this more than you know and thank you for not being afraid to challenge me. Things are FINALLY coming into fruition and I couldn't be more excited about what is to come.

The “I would like’s”

I would like to blow dry my hair with colored air...
see life through the lens of an awesome camera...

and cook with a little bit of kindness.

Blog Names Change with the Times

One of my friends asked me a few days ago why I periodically changed the name of my blog. This post is a result of that conversation.

Name changes are never planned for me. It's always a spontaneous thing that happens and then I realize the significance after the fact.

When I first began giving blogging a shot I created "The Fishbowl" (see picture below)

The fishbowl was titled so in that I felt a bit like a blog put me in a fishbowl of sorts- the world could get a nice look at me from any angle. You get the concept. Kind of like a display case. - which now makes me kind of nauseous.

About a year into the blog I grew up a little bit if you will and realized that the point of my blog was no longer to display my thoughts for the world to see but rather to tear down the image I had created for the world to see and reveal the nitty gritty dirt that was a part of my life. I wanted to focus more on what I was learning, what was painful, the challenges, the lessons etc and less on the appearance I was trying to give off. Thus, the blog name changed to "The Crumbling Facade" (see picture below)

And now the reason for the name change is not so much that my aim has changed but just that change itself is happening. I renamed it Technicolor Dreams and The Stages of Sleep because (get ready for me to get all deep and silly on you) I feel like life in general (specifically the spiritual journey) is very much like the stages of sleep. We are in this process of learning to know the Lord and who he has created us to be. The idea of the name is just to promote progression in that journey- you dream in the final stage of sleep (REM). That is where I want to be. I want to discover what dreaming in color is like in Life with the Lord.

Yay for new names!

thingsthingsthingsthingsthings

I have always had this love hate relationship with money. (Don't we all?) In the past few weeks I have been learning a lot about the difference between being able to afford something and the need for something. In general I feel like I do a pretty good job with budgeting and not spending much but I have started to notice more and more my attachment to things...regardless of their worth- in that most of the things I am attached to are thrift store finds or homemade gifts. It's interesting how things hold power over people.

A wise older woman that I know once told me about a lesson she learned where she felt that the Lord was asking her to give her things away to her friends. For instance, when anyone complimented things in her house, things she wore etc she would give the complimented item to the person that paid her the compliment. She said it was very freeing, hard, but a good look into idolatry and insight into her attachment to things. I tried to imagine what it would look like for me to do that and I automatically started praying, "Lord, please let no one like anything that I own" hah. On the other side of things, I'm trying to find the balance between enjoying the beauty of things- the Lord gave me great taste(in my opinion :p ) and being idolatrous. It's not really the money value of things, it's the thing itself that poses the problem. So I'm in this place, trying to discover healthy giving and healthy buying, healthy sharing, and healthy sacrifice.

The Question of Where...

It's a weird, weird thing when you realize that for the first time in your life you can go anywhere in the world.

I'm through with school.

I don't have a job lined up.

I have no obligations.

The size of this realization is so enormous that I don't even know what I want... and more importantly what I need.

Up until this realization I had assumed I would stay in Knoxville. I love Knoxville. Funny how you plan things just because they make sense and then you realize that you haven't even prayed about it.

The predicament isn't what to do... it's more of a where do I do it? I feel like it's such a huge question that I don't even begin to have an idea of how to pray into it.

I tend to stress out and worry about if I'm making the right decisions but lately I have come to see that the Lord does not put that on me...he gives me desires, he guides me, he allows me to make decisions...and if they are wrong he lets me know.

The fear of messing up or choosing wrong has kept me from many adventures and I don't want to look back at this moment and think..."I wonder what would have happened if..."

Give it a week...someone is bound to get hurt

I have been thinking a lot today about church. The church is supposed to be the temple of the Lord-a place that ignites community, vulnerability, honesty- reality. Church should be the most raw places of places. ANd often it is. Many times the rawness isn't pretty at all. People get hurt, angry, pissed, bitter, frustrated AND Lord willing, people also get redeemed, loved well, restored, encouraged, and fed. But we are humans. And the church is made up of humans. And humans fail. A LOT.

It makes me incredibly sad when people that I know and love get hurt by the church. The hardest part is that when you join a church you become a part of it. If you leave it, you often leave broken. I know the Lord is faithful but it is so hard to know that there are times that I have hurt people and put the Lords name on it. The Lord does not speak truth harshly, he does not condemn, he does not shame, he does not guilt trip. I have spoken truth all too harshly, I have condemned, I have shamed, and I have guilt tripped people. .. And in the name of the Lord. God forgive me for writing your name on things that have nothing to do with you.

I believe in a God that can redeem even the worst screw ups. I fully believe that God can handle all of the mistakes I have made. I trust that peoples hearts will not be crushed because I didn't handle myself in the best way. I have faith that those that have felt attacked or betrayed by their family-their church can and will be redeemed. I'm claiming it. Amen.

I like to think of myself as a wild flower...

(photo cred. to some cool blog that I can't remember the name of)

I'm graduating in a few weeks. This season has been filled with a whole lot of fun...not a whole lot of time for reflection. But regardless....

I'm learning a lot about myself...about my flaws...I'm kind of like my front yard-which is full of broken glass (the previous renters apparently loved breaking beer bottles all over the yard). I spend hours picking it all up and then it rains....and a whole new set of broken glass surfaces. I'm finding that I am much like the yard...I put lots of effort into cleaning myself up, working through my baggage and just as soon as I think I'm making progress the rain comes and up comes a whole new list of areas that need work. Thank you God for being patient :)

May 14th is in 23 days. I have no idea what I'm doing.

But what I do know is that there are leaves growing on the trees.

AND

I am successfully keeping three flower boxes of marigolds alive...so surely I can hold down a job right?

There isn't much measure to my madness....I'm just learning to live.

Everyday brings new adventures, new frustrations, new mistakes, new amends.

Did I mention that I love people. Sometimes I feel like the Lord gives me a sneak view of how he see's people. I have this uncanny love for strangers and skitzo's, my neighborhood, my city, and crack heads. Trust me...it's totally unnatural. Not me at all....it's the Lord.

I don't know what my "job" will end up being. I am in the process of applying for 3. But I know that my purpose is to love well- whether that means loving the earth, loving my neighbors, my housemates, my family, my friends, my co-workers, the homeless, the downtrodden, the business owners etc.

When did we forget the power of the Word?

I'm reading a book by Brennan Manning right now and the last chapter I read really got me thinking.

It got me thinking about how we live in this world where our churches think it's our job to sell Jesus to the general population...we offer "live music" instead of real worship, we build massive buildings with bookstores and indoor playgrounds, the latest technology dripping from the ceilings, we spend our money on the appeal of the sanctuary, we have the cutting edge graphics, the "NOW" look.....but where is our Jesus?

Jesus never dressed the part of a revolucionary. He didn't appeal to the masses. He wasn't brushing the truth under the rug to avoid stepping on toes. He loved everyone...but he remained true to himself and true to his Father.

The chapter in the book talks about the sad reality of the fact that they church has lost faith in the power of the word. When I think about it... I realize that of all of the churches I have visited at one point in time, very few of them preach the actual word. Very few of them rely on the power of the living word. When did we begin believing that sugar coating things would bring people to Christ? When did we begin writing our own perfectly packaged devotionals and thoughts for the day instead of reading the word of the Lord that is alive, living, and eternal. The Bible doesn't get out dated....it doesn't lose it's power in today's culture. If we have no faith in it then how can we expect it to move people? We are so afraid of saying it how it is because we don't want to offend anyone. Let's be honest, the Bible isn't a pretty little story about how were all going to be happy on this earth forever...it's full of pain, sorrow, and conviction...BUT it is also full of grace, mercy, and redemption. It has become so easy to mention the good things and overlook the seriousness of the God we serve. He calls us to the narrow road, the long way around, and he never promises it will be easy- he does promise that all of our mistakes will be covered by the blood.

My two favorite quotes from the chapter are,

"Preaching Christ crucified without any histrionics or theatrics calls the Spirit to life. "

"For Christ's sake, don't come to the cross if you're playing a game. Come back tomorrow, or next year, or twenty years from now, but don't make a mockery of the greatest Lover the world has ever known. We've got too many phonies and fakers in the church already honoring Jesus with their lips and denying Him by their lifestyle."