I seem to have this terrible habit of working myself up about things... letting them own my mind until it reaches this ridiculous level of idolatry.
Not healthy.
I just want God to scoop me up and tell me I am lovable despite my flaws. (How odd, for me to crave something that I don't even come close to deserving- evidence to prove my vast need)
I have this unfortunately dark wall built up around me. It's several inches thick, several feet high. When I started building it, I did a great job of making sure it surrounded me entirely- so that no one could really get in.. I had no idea I was caging myself in, in the process of keeping people out.
I have gotten really good at pretending it doesn't exist... It's when I get good at destructive behavior that God starts to pull the floor boards out from under me. Ignoring it isn't working anymore.
There's that ridiculous phrase that people use all the time "I just need someone to tear down my walls"
I can't even begin to tell you the countless hours I have wasted either waiting for them to be torn down or watching people try...
No person can tear these walls down.
I have to do it myself.
But I have no idea how to go about that.
That's the thing about walls of the mind rather than of concrete.
Things of substance are easily built and easily destroyed.
But walls of the mind... they are something different entirely
I need to remember the divinity of love rather than the forever empty well of filth that the media depicts in it's place. I want to unabashedly cry my eyes out for no reason except to rid myself of this disillusionment and frailty.
Thank you silence.
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